Midnight Conversations

Sleep was always the one thing I had going for me. I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat and stay asleep all night. But, as I get older I find that I have these episodes where I wake up in the middle of the night. I REFUSE to look at my phone, computer, TV or even turn on a light. I assume that if I just lie there long enough, I will eventually fall back asleep, even if it just out of boredom. Which just leaves me, my brain and our middle of the night conversations.

BRAIN- Whatever happens do not look at the clock. Do not. Look. At the. Clock

 Me- What day is it anyway. Is it Wednesday or Thursday?

 B- Thursday. Hair appointment tomorrow.

Me- Maybe I should get bangs. I haven’t had bangs since I was 8 years old.

B- There’s probably a reason for that

Me- But maybe they would be cute

B- Really, that’s what you’re worried about? Of all the things to worry about, bangs isn’t it.

Me- True. We have a lunatic for a president, the water and the air are getting poisoned. Its bad.

B- Think it’s bad now? Wait until North Korea nukes us. Everything will be poisoned. Water, air, the sofa

Me- Oh God….what are we going to do to stop this? We have to think of something.

B- There nothing that can be done. Seriously, we are just tiny specks flying around on a rock hurtling through space at a zillion miles an hour.  There’s nothing that can be done.

Me- Yeah, I guess that’s right. In the big picture we need to be zen about this. Life will survive.

B- Of course not. We are all going to die eventually.

Me- That’s so sad. So stressful. This is awful.

B- You know what’s really awful? Bangs

Me- Yeah. I think that was probably a bad idea.

B- Doesn’t matter anyway, tomorrow is Wednesday.

Me- Shit. Wednesday is the dentist appointment. Did I wax my mustache? I totally cannot go to the dentist and have some stranger poking around in my mouth if I have a mustache. I’ll have to check that in the morning. When is the morning anyway?

B- DO NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK. No one cares about your mustache anyway. People rights are being trampled.

Me- Oh God…..what are we going to do.

B- Die. Everyone dies. Stop worrying about things you can’t control

Me- But I need to do something. Help people. Also, when is the vet appointment?

B- Friday.

Me- Oh that won’t work. What the hell was I thinking. I will need to call in the morning and change that. Speaking of morning.

B- DO NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK

Me- Why is my husband making all those noises?

B- Because he is asleep.

Me- I know, but it so annoying when he is breathing and everything. How am I supposed to sleep with all that breathing???

B- Focus! It’s the morning on the other side of the world. For all you know, the missiles are already flying towards us as we speak.

Me- Well, if that’s the case there really isn’t much I can do about it anyway, is there? So I guess we will all just die

B- OMG. Such a quitter. You know what? You deserve bangs. Go ahead and get them.

It will give us something to talk about next week.