Friday, April 22, 2016

Naked People, Bathrooms and Target

I have seen a lot, let's make that a shit ton, of crap on the internet lately about allowing transgendered people to use whatever bathroom makes them comfortable with their identity as opposed to their birth gender. Before we go any further please understand one thing...this isn't about your politics on the situation, or mine for that matter. If you have been around me for more than 15 seconds you should be able to guess how I feel about it and I really and truly don't care how you feel about it. But I do have some questions for the bloggers and commenters on the interwebs, because there are some things I am finding massively confusing.

There are about 942 gazillon people writing comments and amazingly, I keep seeing the same one over and over. Like, how is this even possible? Did someone write a handbook and I should just be given a copy or what? Fox News watchers maybe? Which would explain how I missed out. I don't know. But here's the comment - (feel free to change the wording to whatever floats your boat if you are one of those people and your handbook is arriving late, but understand that as far as I can tell according to the handbook I didn't and never will get, the gist of the sentiment must remain true.)

"How am I supposed to explain seeing a man's penis in the bathroom to my little daughter?"

Some woman who blogs wrote a post in which she put this exact quote, really just one of many...

"How should I handle an instance where my two and four year olds see a man’s private parts and I have to explain a) why she saw his genitals...."

These are the questions that keep me up at night people.

No, not how to explain a penis to a little girl, I have a daughter and I have already done that. 

THESE questions --

Is there some sort of rash of little girls hanging around in public bathrooms unattended and available for raping and snatching? Because I always went to the bathroom with my daughter and I thought everyone else did too. I never thought of myself as a "helicopter parent" but if I'm the only one accompanying my child to the restroom, maybe I'll have to rethink my entire being! 

We are talking about the WOMEN'S room, right? I mean, I'm guessing since these commenters and bloggers fall into the horrified, against, we are all going to get raped category that they aren't taking their daughter's into the men's room where the urinals live, correct?


Seriously, right fucking now, I want someone to answer this. I have been using public restrooms for 47 YEARS people and I have NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER seen anyone else's genitals, private parts, vaginas, penises, junk, hoo-haa's, whatever you want to call them!

I am feeling like I have missed out on some sort of essential element of the whole public bathroom experience. One that I never even knew existed until today. And to be clear, I am not some delicate little flower who can only tinkle on her own personal pink Barbie throne at home. If I have to go, I will use whatever public facilities are available. I regularly frequent Starbucks, concert venues, highway rest stops, grocery stores, restaurants, and *GASP* Target, and I use the potty in each and every one. 

So if there are naked people available for the gawking at, I should have seen them. But no. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zippo. Zilch. Not so much as a tiny nip slip, a bouncing bottom, a quick flash of the girls uncovered, nothing. 

Is it because I text on my phone while I'm on the potty (oh right, like you don't)? Because that has only been the last what.....4 years? Something like that anyway. There should have been at least a thousand naked sightings in the 43 years before that given all the hoopla, but nope.

Are y'all mowing your lady garden in the sinks and I just miss it because I'm so diligently washing my hands? And if you really want to talk about bathroom dangers let's talk about people who don't wash or those goddamn blower hand dryer things that are spewing germs and diseases all over the freaking place. Or how about the automatic towel dispensers that seem like a great thing but then they spit out a towel the size of a single square of toilet paper and you have to stand there waving your hands like some sort of air traffic controller to get enough to dry off. And speaking of TP, why must it always be like sandpaper in public restrooms? Is it so people don't steal it? Or to discourage you from going in the first place? And why is there no cleaner provided so that we can clean the seat each time? Oh, and a message to all you "hover" types...You miss as bad as a 5 year old boy so clean up your fucking pee yourself!

I mean, come on people! There are actual problems in public bathrooms.

But I digress......

Nekked Peeps. That's where we were. Or what we are looking for. Or afraid of. Whatever.

I'm going out in public today, with my daughter, and there's a really good chance I will need to use the bathroom and when I do...

There better be someone entertaining me with their nakedness in there. And if it is a man who has snuck into the women's restroom, I WANT SOME THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER STYLE ACTION DAMMIT!