Sunday, December 27, 2015

A Procrastinators New Year

So, the end of the year is upon us once again. I really don't care about New Year's as a holiday. I'm fine celebrating at 10p.m. and going to bed. I'm fine going out for dinner and going to bed. It isn't like you are going to miss anything since it will be the new year for 366 days (leap year people). That's how we procrastinators roll. If there's time to acknowledge the holiday later, then that's when we will do it.

Happy New Year from the same picture I use for every New Years post!

But I love the resolution part! Oh yes, there is something about a fresh start that makes me want to jump right into that shit! I over resolve. Every. Single. Year. So you might think that would slow me down, maybe even get discouraging. Nope. I still see the brand new calendar and I get excited! I declare that THIS IS THE YEAR! I will complete all the resolutions. Did I mention that I over resolve? If I just had one resolution, that might work. But thats just another word for Monday. You can always resolve to start anything on a Monday. This is a whole new year....we must resolve to do ALL THE THINGS!

So, how did that work out last year? Let us review for a moment....

Exercise. I was going to exercise. Not just anything either. Hiking, the gym and yoga at the least. I was going to become Physically Fit. What does that mean? I have no idea, but I was certain I would know it when I got there.

Diet. I was going to diet. And lose weight. Be thin. But healthy! Eat only locally sourced, organic, humanely raised whatever! And juice kale! And make smoothies from berries and avocados! And eat quinoa! And I was going to love it! It was going to be delicious and my physically fit self was going to be awesomely healthy.

Clean. I was going to clean my house from top to bottom, then keep to a cleaning schedule, so I only had to spend 30 minutes a day maintaing it! Even the baseboards behind my couch would shine.

I was going to stop procrastinating so I could do all the other things too. Like work and photography and blogging and cooking and, and, and, and, ....

So, how did that work out for me, you ask?

I haven't lost one single pound. I probably gained a few, but I refuse to visit the scale and confirm that. The Hubs bought a gym membership in June. I have never stepped foot in the place. My floors look like someone ate off them and they clearly enjoyed something that involved a lot of sauce and other messy stuff. The dust bunnies are marshaling their forces for a winter offensive. Thing 1's room is a candy wrapper away from an episode of Hoarders. Thing 2's smells like a barn because Guinea Pigs live in it. I have still not eaten quinoa, mostly because I prefer french fries. I have blown off the work filing for the last NINE MONTHS. The Hubs is a little peeved over that one. I also resolved for everyone else, but I really can't remember what they were supposed to do. I'm sure it involved cleaning, responsibility for their own personal hygiene and good grades. They were total failures.

You might think this would give me a moments pause as this new year approaches. That this year I might modify my approach a bit. If that is the case, then you obviously don't understand how a professional, top-tier procrastinator works.

Yes, I did not complete any of my 2015 resolutions. I put them off until the last minute and then it was too late to get them done. BUT THE DEADLINE HAS BEEN EXTENDED! 

Not only that, but it's been extended for a whole year! As a procrastinator, there is nothing better than a long period of time in which to get things done, because it means we don't have to start right now....we can always start that later. Of course, later never comes, but whatever. Don't steal my joy.

Happy New Year from fireworks, because they're festive too, right?

And you know why this is not stressful and upsetting? Because we higher order procrastinators are very forward thinking people and we know that come this time next year, the deadline will be extended again! It's that little voice that constantly tells us "it's ok, there is still more time." Of course, one day the time will be up and I will be dead, but there is no way of knowing when that might be so there is no point in concerning myself. Besides, I'll be dead so it's not like I will care.

So, again this year I resolve to do All The Things. I have a picture in my head of how this will work out. Come next Christmas I will be fit and healthy and thin and fashionable and somehow, inexplicably, taller and younger looking. I will be standing in my super clean modern/rustic/vintage/minimialist/cozy house, that is perfectly decorated with all the things I made off of Pinterest out of pallets, cooking one of the million of organic recipes I have saved, while the spawn blissfully do their homework so they get straight A's. Everything I own will be wonderfully organized and all my work will be done. I will have read all my magazines, and books, watched all the crap I recorded on the DVR, seen all the best movies and will be great at photography. I will be caught up on the laundry always and the spawn will floss without being told. I will never run around like squirrel on crack because I will have My Shit Together.

I have a whole year. This is totally do-able.

Don't steal my joy.

Monday, December 21, 2015

I Am The Grinch

True confession time - I have exactly zero Christmas spirit this year. I have given it a lot of thought and I have concluded that it was the vacation that threw me off. Usually we have Thanksgiving here at the house and sometime over that long weekend, Christmas "arrives." It comes in the form of trees, decorations inside and out, cards that are already addressed and go into the mail, and presents that have been pre-purchased get wrapped and go under the tree. Even if I don't really feel it that weekend, it is usually enough to kick-start the season for me. 

This year, however, we were in England for Thanksgiving. While we may celebrate the pilgrims coming to the new world and "making friends" (ahem) with the Indians and all that, they don't bother to celebrate our leaving and surviving, so I was missing my traditional starters whistle. I would have thought that all the decorations in London would have done it for me, but they didn't. I think I was so focused on making sure everything on the vacation went off without a hitch, I really didn't give two minutes thought to anything coming up after we were to arrive home.

So I have been trying like hell to "fake it until I make it" but it's not working. Not at all. I went so far as to schedule a fake Thanksgiving the weekend after we got home that required attendance from all the kids. Even bonus daughter had to come over and eat! I thought that would do it, but no such luck. 

I put up the tree...but only because Thing 2 started to question it. Then I waited 3 days to decorate it, which is a no-no. You put it up, you decorate. Period. It's an event! Even worse, I left the stockings in the box until the other day when my mother began to question it.

I mailed my Christmas cards on DECEMBER 17th!  Now, if you don't receive a card from me, you won't know this, but this is perhaps the biggest Holiday Cardinal Sin that can be committed in my book. I ALWAYS send my cards the day after Thanksgiving. Always, always, always. I am certain there are people on the east coast right now who have sunk into mourning assuming I am dead since they don't have a card yet. I didn't feel like writing a return address on them and since I'm concerned there are a few with the wrong address, I took the lazy way out and used beach/summer themed return labels with my mother's name on them.

My Christmas Card pic-in case you didn't get one

I hosted a cookie exchange in my house without a single decoration out. 

The Hubs put up our large outside wreath on the patio. So he didn't have to involve a ladder.  Then he looked at me and said "This is as far as I'm going this year. No more lights." To which I replied "Who cares. Looks fine." The thing has been plugged in and lit 24 hours a day ever since, because we are too fucking lazy indifferent to set the timer.

I keep pushing onward, but instead of getting more into the spirit, I'm getting more irritated.  I don't want to have to go to a bunch of stores and buy gifts, so I ordered them all off Amazon Prime. But now I'm peeved with Amazon for sending so many damn boxes that my trash can is filled up. I went out with Thing 2 the other day and she wanted to get a special gift for her sister, but she had no idea where to get it. I drew a complete blank and then said "Did you check Amazon? Because they can have it here in 2 days. I don't know where to get things anymore." Which was met with her saying "And I'm sure that's how they want it." So we went into Pier One and I was pissed at them for having Christmas crap everywhere. All I could think was "Why the hell would I buy someone a reindeer as a gift? As soon as I give it to them, it's USELESS for another year! I need the regular stuff!"

Then I had to go to the bank. Which happens to be just outside the mall. I cannot even begin to tell you how put out I was with the traffic around the mall. I took every back road I knew of and there were still hoards of people everywhere. All I thought was ...could these people PLEASE go home! 

My other Christmas card pic-since I'm sure you didn't get one

I don't want to buy any more presents because the stores are so crowded. I don't want to cook ham for Christmas dinner because I don't like ham. I don't want to wrap gifts. I don't want to deal with all the trash from everyone unwrapping gifts. I don't want to take down the tree and decorations I didn't want to out up in the first place.

I am the Grinch. My heart is two sizes too small this year. 

So what I need are some friggin' Whoos to start singing and straighten this all out.......right?

Maybe not. Maybe I'll just give myself permission to skip it this year. The only problem with that is that I know myself well enough to know that the spirit will eventually kick in. I also know myself well enough to know that day will be somewhere around January 8th, give or take a day. At which point I will be royally screwed.