Sunday, December 25, 2016

F.U. 2016

Music is the soundtrack of our lives. You have heard that one, right? Haven’t we all? But here’s the thing about those trite statements you see on memes and kitten posters, there is a vein of truth running through them. The very reason they are so overused is because they are something most people can relate to.  

I came of age in the 1980’s, graduating high school in 1986 (the very best year of the 80’s) and musically it was great time. For starters, disco had died, which was great in and of itself, but then New Wave happened, along with metal hair bands, techno and an explosion of hip-hop. Michael Jackson released Thriller. MTV took to the air in 1981, Madonna hit like a bomb in 1983 and Purple Rain came out in 1984. Guns and Roses, Bon Jovi, U2, Live Aid. You youngsters jealous? You should be. It was totally bitchin' dude.

2016 has been hard for all music fans, but particularly brutal for those of us who can be transported back to our youth by the sounds of the 80’s. While David Bowie had already cemented his greatness by the 1980’s, he was an ever-present fixture at the top of the charts and playlists for that entire decade. Hearing “When Doves Cry” takes me straight back to the drive-in movie theatre, sitting on the roof my friend’s mom’s station wagon watching “Purple Rain.” Wham’s “Make It Big” reminds me of when my beloved aunt came to visit and I drove her around town blasting that cassette from the boom box in the back seat of my Toyota. She particularly liked “Credit Card Baby.”

I can sing all the words to every song on both those albums by heart. And when I do they evoke a certain feeling. It is nostalgia to be sure, but it is also a feeling of being transported. I feel so close to those days, those times, that I could reach out and touch them if I try hard enough. The 30 years that have passed all fade away and it seems like only yesterday, a mere moment between then and now.

It is to be expected that those who have journeyed life alongside us will pass, but at 53 years old? Or 57? I wasn’t expecting it now, that is for sure. But then 2016 seems to be a year of unexpected happenings. Shitty, unexpected happenings. And while I am NOT okay with any of it, I have had to face the realization that 2016 is one of those nasty-ass bitches who doesn’t give a shit what anyone else wants. She’s just in it to make a name for herself. She opened with David Bowie and before we could shove her unwanted ass out the door, she took George Michaels.

My only consolation is the fact that in 6 days, like it or not, the bitch will be gone.

All I have to say is that between now and then—if one fucking thing happens to Madonna, 2016 will NOT get out of here intact! You hear me 2016???? Not so much as a hangnail, NOT ONE FAKE, BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR ON HER HEAD, or I will take to Twitter and provoke Trump into launching a nuke and ending this whole fucking planet right now.

Fuck You 2016. Get out. You won’t be missed.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Uncommon Gifts

You guys, let's be honest. Shopping for your people for Christmas can sometimes, well, all the times, be a ridiculous pain in the ass. I ask them over and over again what they would like and their response? "I don't know." Seriously. My teenaged kids have said this to me. So, other than being a massive indication that they are coddled and spoiled, it makes it really difficult for me to get them a gift. When I got this catalog in the mail for a place called "Uncommon Goods" I thought I might be on to something. I don't get a lot of catalogs. Mostly because Amazon doesn't have one. But it arrived anyway and I figured I would give it the once over. Maybe it would have something cool and unique and come Christmas morning my people would be so surprised to see how clever and adept at gift giving I could be!

So, after a couple glasses of wine, I sat myself down to have a look. The catalog was so unbelievable that I proceeded to the website for confirmation of what I was seeing. Now, I am not criticizing Uncommon Goods, but I have to wonder how the hell they got my mailing address and decided to spend their hard earned money sending anything to me. 

A brief review for your holiday considerations.....

1. Wine and Beverage dispensing Tote

Looks great for PTA meetings, doesn't it? I would like this. It is what drew me in. Until I realized it was $130 dollars!! And the liner that you tote the wine in? It is only designed for one-time use, so you have to keep buying new liners or else you have at $130 purse with a stupid, useless spout. No thanks.

2.  So how about a Bracelet Flask?

For a mere $35 bucks you can wear this hideously ugly bracelet that contains exactly 1 shot of alcohol. The only person in the universe that would wear this damn thing is an alcoholic and what the hell good does ONE SHOT do them???!!?? None, that's what.

3.  Carry On Cocktail Kits

As you can tell, I started in the booze section of the catalog, of which there was no shortage. But really, it is so frustrating. These are carry-on-cocktail kits. But they contain no alcohol! WHAT THE HELL?????  The last thing I need on a plane is a fucking spoon. If the flight attendant needs to give me the booze, then I'm pretty sure I can get the whole drink from her. Plus, the "mixer" cant be more than 3 ounces or else you can't get it past security, so really...what are you paying $24 for? An Altoids tin with an airplane on it?

4.  Grow Cocktails

Now, this showed some real promise. Grow some cocktails for only $12? I have a garden space and can, if need be, force myself to be patient. But guess what? Yup, you got doesn't actually grow cocktails! It grows herbs that you are supposed to use to make a cocktail with. Just like the goddamn grocery store sells,without the wait.

5. Elwood the Fucking Unicorn (explicative mine)

So, I gave up on the booze and moved on to the kids (which was the original point.) There is this cute mug and cereal bowl. It is painted with a unicorn, complete with horn and shit. Each piece is THIRY EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS. Do you know what would happen if I sat my kids down to a breakfast of Lucky Charms (oh yeah, check the bowl people) and OJ with a set of crockery that cost $76 plus shipping???? I would lose my ever loving mind, that's what. The damn thing wouldn't last a week around here and then I would just be eternally pissed.

6. Tacos, Tacos, Tacos

I have a six month old niece and a 5 year old nephew to buy gifts for and under the baby and kids section I found these little gems. I can dress my niece up like a  $73 TACO DINNER! Complete with booties and a tortilla wrap blanket and hat! Then, I can start my nephew out on his future career as a food truck operator and he can SELL HIS LITTLE SISTER. What could possibly go wrong?

7.  Yoga Joes

Just look. They are the little green army men doing yoga poses. I have no words.

8.  On The Other Hand Clock

This might work for bonus daughter. She is late everywhere she goes, but having clock might help. Except that there is no possible way you can tell what the fuck time it is on this thing. So, she at least has a plausible excuse for being late.  

9.  Deep Sea Sand Art

I think this would be a great gift for my mother. Mostly because if she is feeling nostalgic for the 1970's she can look at it and remember a time when EVERY SINGLE PERSON had one. And I only need to drop $85 bucks for that. If I had known, I could have saved them all and gotten rich selling them on eBay.

10.  Walkie Chalkie

For only $15 you can get a stick. A stick that you attach chalk to (not included!) In case your special snowflake is too delicate to get his hands dirty touching the actual chalk. Or to get down on the ground.

11.  Hopscotch Rug

As a matter of fact, I think it might be better if your special snowflake didn't even go outside where they might actually get dirty. For $189 you can bring the hopscotch inside. Although, if your kids is too lazy to go outside, you might consider that they are probably too lazy to hop also.

12. Paperweights

This place has a fuck ton of paperweights. My niece plays softball, but I'm pretty sure there isn't a sixteen year old anywhere in this universe that knows what to do with a paperweight. Neither does anyone who uses an anvil or works at a forge. And this is just a small sample of the paperweight selection. 

And then we got into the stuff that was just random, weird or creepy. Or all of the above.

Goggles for skiing? Nope. These are for chopping onions. 

How about a doormat to creep out all the ladies coming to visit you? Nothing says "POTENTIAL INAPPROPRIATE GROPER INSIDE"  quite like this one.

These are  my personal favorite. For only $180 (each!) I can have this awesome yard art! My neighbors need to know what the fuck they are dealing with before they knock on my door!

How about these for your next baby shower gift? Pee Pee Tee Pees! A tent to put over a baby boy penis so you don't get peed on while changing his diaper. Really. That is what they are. I'm not even making it up.

Then I hit this one and it stopped me in my tracks

It is a sponge holder. One for your "Evil Sponge" and one for your "Good Sponge." (really...I am being totally honest. I did not make any of this up.)  

But I was confused. What is an evil sponge? Turns out it is the one you use for the sink and the drain and your "good " sponge is for the dishes and countertops.


 I have only ever had one sponge.

I am obviously fighting above my weight class with these people. But if you have more money then sense, this might be the place for you.