Friday, May 8, 2015

What the ???

"MY eyeball!  My one eyeball"
                --Mike, Monsters Inc.

Not the eyeball in question...mine are brown!

So, last night, in the dead of the night (1:12am to be exact.  I know because I looked) I am dead asleep.  I'm having a dream about the Salvation Army (not kidding people) and this new Christmas campaign they are having where people are all singing this really catchy little tune about $5 and then putting 5 dollar bills folded like bows onto Christmas trees.  I can even hear the song in my sleep and just allow me to say that if I could have remembered it when I woke, it would have been the next Ice Bucket Challenge, raking in money for them this holiday season. But alas, as you will see, it was not to be......

Anyway, Im dead asleep, dreaming...............actually, let's go back to that for a minute.  I thought all this dreaming, etc was supposed to be like a "mental file cabinet" sorting away all the stuff from your day and peaking into drawers while it does?  So what the hell is this Christmas, The Salvation Army, $5 bills and jingles about?  I was watching Rambo before bed.  Seriously.  Don't ask.


So, I'm dead asleep, as we have established.  In this sleep, out of no where, I suddenly get a stabbing pain the corner of my eye, you know, where your tear duct is.  It is so harsh it immediately wakes me up (which is why I totally can't remember that jingle!) and it is BAD!  I rub my eye, its watering everywhere and the pain is fading, but not very quickly.  The whole thing is really weird and somewhat ridiculous to be honest.  But the pain doesn't quit.  I have halfway convinced myself that the excessive watering from my eye is probably blood spewing from the tear duct because it hurts so badly.  In my infinite, groggy, still half-asleep wisdom, I decide that I have to get up and look in the mirror and make sure there isn't a T-Rex or something in the corner of my eye.  The problem with that, which I of course didn't realize until it happened, is that in the middle of the night you can certainly go into the bathroom and turn the light on, but when you do, you won't be able to open your eyes in all that brightness!  Ugh.

So, I wait (and pee.  I am 46 you know.  Like you don't.  Whatever.).  Finally, I can open my eye enough to see that there is exactly nothing in there.  So, still in a squinty fog I decide I'll put some of The Hubs eyedrops in it, which can only help.  Except it turns out that they are allergy eyedrops and that is not actually helpful.  In reality, it is a little more like dumping a can of gasoline on a fire.  Coincidentally, it feels exactly like throwing a can of gasoline on a fire also.

So, as I am sitting there, contemplating the error of my ways and wondering what sort of dreaded Eyeball Tear Duct Disease I have that will surely take my life shortly, and toying with the idea of checking this on WebMD, because I must have a tumor at the very least, I realize that the kids toilet is running every 5 minutes, undoubtedly costing me a small fortune in water.

Finally, as I'm lying back down, drifting off to sleep, I suddenly remember that one of the houses we work on has people coming in town tomorrow, which is now today.  And that it's the house where we removed all the toilet seats because they wanted new, different ones, only to discover that they have some weird off brand of toilets that you can only use those seats on and all I can think is Please God, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, tell me someone put those toilet seats back on!  I am so alarmed that I seriously consider waking The Hubs to ask him but decide that since it's now something like 2 a.m., that will probably not go over well.  Even if I could get him to understand what I wanted, after the initial panic of being sure we were under attack and thats why he was being wakened, he would, in all likelihood be so pissed he wouldn't even answer me.  So wisely, I leave it alone until the morning.  Its the best decision I have made since this whole thing started.

So I start to drift off again when The Hubs commences snoring.  It is lightly at first but gets louder in about 48 seconds.  This makes it difficult for a person who is already pretty much wide awake to fall asleep, so I start grabbing his pillow and smothering him  pushing on it to mildly jostle him so he quits.  If you have never tried this, it works well.  It also turns out that if you accidentally "jostle" a little violently, you are in the perfect position to pretend like you are sleeping (after, of course, deciding that this is still not the moment to ask about the toilet seats).  And just in case you hear the complaining later, he was back to snoring in less than 3 minutes!!

All of which made it soooooo easy to get a greats night's sleep {insert sarcasm here}.  I finally managed somewhat, but with great apologies to the Salvation Army.......the jingle never did come back.

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