Thursday, April 13, 2017

A Very Gross Mystery starring My Family


About 20 years ago some girlfriends and I went to an exhibit at the Phoenix Art Museum. I don't remember now what it was for, but I do remember that we had to get advance tickets and wait in line, so it must have been a good one. Since we had paid to enter the museum we were free to peruse the other exhibits, permanent and rotating, while we were there. We went into rotating modern art installation that has been burned into my brain ever since. *Disclaimer--I do not now nor will I ever understand the point of most modern art, much to my mothers chagrin.* The particular piece was called something like "My Life" and it was a collection of things this person had used during certain time frames. For instance, there was a large display of a years worth of newspapers, and smaller display of something like three years worth of used coffee filters, etc. In one of the last lucite cubes was something that took a moment to register between my eyes and my brain. It was years-YEARS- worth of this person's toenail and fingernail clippings. It was one of the grossest things I have ever seen, and I have kids so I have seen some pretty gross stuff.

So, on the heels of the other days Toenail Gate, I have been informed of some stunning developments in my house.

For the casually uninformed, Toenail Gate is when I discovered that someone had clipped the guinea pigs toenails in my office and let them fly all over my office floor without picking them up. As an update, the people involved in clipping said pigs nails have denied all knowledge of this and claim that one of the 2 cats must have come into my office and purposely ripped off their toenails on my rug. Seriously. That's the claim. Whatever people.

Anyway, that evening The Hubs and I were out having wine and hummus (because this is my life so I deserve wine!) and I asked him if he was aware of the Pig Toenail Saga. What happened next I may never recover from.

Hubs--Yes, I saw that. But I have to tell you something. I almost pulled over and called you. 
Me--What?
Hubs--Well, there's this thing that has been happening. All the time, like at least once a week. I am finding these nail clippings on the bathroom counter.  I thought it was you and I wondered why you didn't just throw them away. I even thought about leaving them there for you to deal with but it was just too gross, so I throw them away myself.  It has been happening forever.
Me--SWEET BABY JESUS IN A MANAGER! OF COURSE IT IS NOT ME! Dude! I cut my toenails maybe once a month since they grow so slow and I have long fingernails!
Hubs--I get that now, but I really don't understand it.

At this point I am absolutely done in. I have no words. I have no thoughts. After 48 years and 3 kids, my brain is finally fried beyond repair.

So, we get home and I put on my best SVU-Nail Clippings hat and try to determine what the actual hell is going on. I quickly determine it is one of the other 4 people living in my house. (I'm clever like that)

These were actually on my bathroom counter when I got home!!

-- It is not my mother. Her room is downstairs and she hardly ever has occasion to come upstairs, let alone to be in my bathroom
-- Pretty sure it is not Bonus Daughter. She always has a manicure and I almost NEVER see her in my bathroom.

That leaves Thing 1 and Thing 2. Oddly enough, both of these two have fingernail issues.

Thing 2 picks her fingernails and toenails and has since she was little. Badly enough that her fingernails are usually stubs and her toenails are regularly ingrown.

Thing 1 bites his nails and has since he was about 9 years old. How do I know? Because sometimes we go places together and sometimes I sit next to him and when I do it takes every single iota of willpower I have not to slap his hand away from his mouth while screaming at the top of my lungs because it drives me up one wall and down the other.

So, that leaves only one possibility. 

Have you figured it out????

The last thing I can determine is that these mysterious clipping might be.....Thing 1's toenails.

JESUS, MARY, AND JOESPH SHINE A LIGHT OF PROTECTION ON THIS HOUSE BECAUSE SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.

The idea of a fully functioning, intelligent 19-year-old leaving his toenail clippings on my bathroom counter, mere inches from the trash can, on a nearly weekly basis, is enough to give me the vapors.

In this moment I am inclined to question Thing 1 about this. However, it turns out that his best friend is over hanging out and playing video games and it occurs to me that a middle-aged Italian woman running down the hall in her pajamas ranting and raving about toenail clippings would not give off the Martha Stewart-esque vibe I am going for......so I refrain.

Then, when he is waking up and barely coherent the next morning, I pounce. And of course, he thinks I am crazy. He has his own clippers in his bedroom and clips over the trash can...which simultaneously makes me happy that he is not insane while also making me crazy over these damn nail clippings! I proceed to question every one else in the house and they have no idea what I am talking about.

So now I am constantly checking the bathroom counter and looking for any evidence of misdeeds, but I afraid we may never have an answer to this mystery--which is fine as long as the damn trimmings never appear again!!!


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