Thursday, October 8, 2015

To My Son On His 18th Birthday

It  has been a month today since you turned 18 years old. We have discussed a lot in your short life (yes, it’s still short), but I’m afraid that I may have overlooked some important details. Of course, there are always things that should be emphasized even if we have had that “conversation” before also, so here it goes.

You are not an Adult. I know, I know, you and the federal government of the US of ‘Murica beg to differ. However, the Feds are not paying your car insurance. Or your college tuition next year. Or your health insurance, your food bills, your cell phone bill, your clothing allowance, extra school fees, or housing you and providing you with cable TV and Wi-Fi. Get it yet? Near as I can figure from watching several other people, including you older sister, travel this path, you have 7 more years, give or take. Adulting is hard and will require a lot of work on your part. You don’t just jump into it one day by virtue of when you were born. Enjoy it while you can, because one day I will cut you off.

Some things last forever. I’m not talking about true love either, because everyone knows that is bullshit. I mean tattoos, gauges and any other body “modification” you might be inclined to do to yourself. Remember, I washed, changed and nurtured that body for many, many years. I have earned a say. If you are going to get a tattoo, for pity’s sake at least get one that has some meaning to you personally. If you get a koi fish tattooed on your arm, be prepared to have me chop the damn thing off. They are glorified goldfish and there is no one on this earth who gives a shit about them. Gauges are verboten. VERBOTEN. Don’t know what it means? Look it up, you are  adulting now and that is what we do. Look shit up.

Sex may be fun but babies are not. Does this require further explanation? Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis.
Safe sex or no sex. Don’t be silly, protect your willy. Babies are a huge, life-altering thing. I know because I have a couple. Trust no one but yourself and Trojan. I won’t even go into the dread diseases that abound. Just wrap it up buddy.

Stay in college or suffer in silence. I cannot emphasize enough how much you should really go to college, stay there, and enjoy it. The minute you quit, you are over. Get yourself a minimum wage job, or two for that matter, and suffer accordingly. Don’t call me when your car breaks down or bills overwhelm you. You made your “adult” choices, now live with them. They will suck big hairy balls though, so think hard. Especially since I’m paying for college in the first place. It is as good as your life will get. Don’t blow it.

 Use your manners. I didn’t spend all those years instilling them in you for fun. Look people in the eye when you speak to them. Yes, this will require you look away from your phone. It will be worth it. Manners can take you further in this world than you ever imagined. Use them on women too. Your father raised you, so I have no doubt that you know how to treat a woman properly. Be sure to do it. All the time.

 Don’t go to jail.  Ever. There is nothing in this world worth going to jail for. I know because if there were no jail, there would be loads of people that no longer walk this planet. But jail stops me and you should let it stop you. You will never survive. First off, you are way to dramatic. They will not stand for that shit. Also, there are no Xboxes, Playstation4’s or assorted other gaming systems for you waste away your sentence playing. No smart phones or electronics of any kind.  You cannot be picky about your food or take 30-minute showers.  Hell would be a relief comparatively.

You are still my child. When I am 80, you will be 51. Yes, I plan to live that long and when I get there you will still be my son, my baby, always and forever.  I will hug and kiss you and while you don’t have to like it, you will have to tolerate it. You will give me unfettered access to my grandchildren and I will reward you by telling them every embarrassing story I can remember about you. I will tell you what you should do because I will be wiser and you will teach me about new technology because you will be smarter.

It doesn’t sound like that much fun? Take a hard look at your father and I. Are we having fun? STAY IN COLLEGE.

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