Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Silver Pantyliners

**Any guys out there might want to skip this one**

**You were warned**

I was having breakfast with a friend the other day and we ended up having this conversation...

Dear Friend - "...we were on vacation, which was awful because I had my period. And in 2 weeks I'm going to Salt Lake and I should have my period then too."

Me -  "Why will you have it again in 2 weeks?"

DF  -"Oh, mine has shortened itself by a week. Now I get it every three weeks and it lasts for 7 days. It sucks because as soon as its over my period tracker app tells me its almost time to start again."

Me  -"Well, it should be over soon."

DF  -"When?"

Me  -" Um....around 50 I think, which is only a few more years."

DF - "Oh great, 50. Is that our consolation for getting old, the silver lining? No more periods?"

Look! It's an actual silver pantyliner! Ok, it's gray, but is a micro-fleece, reusable
pantyliner. Right until this moment when I googled silver pantyliner I never even knew they made these!

Is it? Because if that the case, mine should have ended some time ago. I already have the wrinkles and the gray hair, so why the never ending cycle? At 47 it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, so whats up with the every 28 days shit? I'm more regular now than I was at the height of my child bearing years and I'm not appreciating it.

Menopause seems to be a constantly changing phenomenon. When I was younger, we were told that it was a long, drawn out process that took years. Then we were told that when you didn't have your period for 1 year, you were "in menopause" and that's where you stayed until you died. Now, everyone is peri-menopausal for up to 10 YEARS, then when you don't have a period for 1 year, on that DAY ONLY, you are in menopause, and then the next day you are post-menopausal. I suspect before it's all over for me there will be another definition, which seems odd since this is something that has been occurring since the beginning of time, so you would think someone would have nailed it down by now. Hell, for all I know there could already be an all new version of the same old thing since I haven't checked on it in a few years.

What's worse is that we were lied to. We were made to believe that Aunt Flo would be increasing longer between visits, until she disappeared completely, and it was during this process that you would be like some crazy, hormonal, sweaty witch. 

They come in other colors too! It is SO weird. And kinda gross.

Turns out that she visits more often. And she visits with a vengeance. Like Dexter, or some Quentin Tarantino movie. And she stays longer. Aunt Flo is a raging bitch in her old age. 

The peri-menopausal stuff? That is the "up to" 10 YEARS that you are the hormonal lunatic who can get hot flashes, mood swings, tiredness, trouble sleeping and urination when you sneeze (like we don't have that already?) Also, they say "your waist can get bigger" which I believe is some sort of code for you are going to get fat. FOR 10 YEARS. It's like being a teenager all over again, including the acne. Except this time you have your own teenagers, a mortgage and important shit to worry about, so the bitchiness goes into overdrive. And let me repeat.....FOR 10 YEARS.

So lets review. You start around 12, finish around 50. Thats 38 years of periods. At one a month that is 456. Throw in a couple kids and some breastfeeding and thats maybe 425. At 5 days each that's 2125 days of your life, or roughly 5.8 years. 

Is it a coincidence that women outlive men by 5 to 6 years?

No, it isn't. Someone owes us all that time back.


  1. Love it! And, wow, I didn't know there was a period tracker app. Gotta download that puppy.

    1. Thanks! And there are actually several to chose from!