1) Camping is dirty. There is no way around it. You are in the dirt, everything you own is in the dirt and will be for days. Make your peace with the dirt because before this is over, you will have dirt in places you swore were protected by clothing, places you didn't even know could get dirt in them. If the dirt gets to be too much for you, sit down in your comfy camp chair and have a glass of wine.
Dirt. All dirt, all the time.
Take some bug spray. A fly swatter too. Those redneck electric ones get the kids all excited. But accept that there will be bugs. A lot of them. When it gets to be too gross, sit in your camp chair and have a glass of wine. Check it between sips for the bugs that WILL fly into it.
3) There are no climate control devices in the wilderness, so you will be unable to control the climate. It will probably rain on you. Everything you have will get wet and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. It will also then become very hot and there is no escape. Unless it gets cold, but you really can't escape that either. Just remember, theres a drink for every type of weather. Stock your bar before you go.
4) There will be other people where you camp, either a campground area or people you agreed to camp with. At some point, one of those people will bust out some bag of fresh, organic veggies from Whole Foods that they begin chopping as they prepare to make some kind of French Ratatouille from scratch and you will look at them and think "wow, they are good campers." No, they are not. They are stupid campers. There is no person in their right mind that wants to spend an entire evening trying to recreate restaurant quality food from nothing while standing in the dirt fighting off bugs. And afterwards someone has to wash all those damn dishes in some tiny tub and try to get them rinsed and dried, etc. Just feed the kids a Cup O' Noodles and sit down and enjoy your wine.
Don't forget the coffee either
5) At some point you will need to go to the bathroom. This is a deal breaker for a lot of people. It does not matter where you are camping, going to the bathroom sucks. Maybe you are out on your own with a potty stool and a hole in the ground? Or maybe you have some sort of toilet apparatus from Cabelas. It sucks. Think a campground with toilets is better? Not really. The toilets don't flush...they are just giant holes filled with you know what. Also, it gets really hot and smelly inside those toilets. It is also the FAVORITE hangout of all the spiders. On a side note? Ladies, check a calendar before you go. If you are attempting this during your period you have just jumped to expert level camping bathroom gymnastics. This will probably require a shot of tequila, with a wine chaser.
6) At some point your kids will get tired of running around in the dirt and playing with sticks and will want to do something like fish. This is ok. It's even better if they don't catch too much, because they will display a patience you didn't know they had and sit for ages waiting. This is a great time to kick back and drink your wine.
7) There will be s'mores. It's not a question. It's the only thing you have to get right...chocolate bars, graham cracker and marshmallows and roasting sticks. Bring a bottle of red, it goes best with chocolate.
These pictures are from years ago and they would be so
pissed if they knew I put them on here!
As you stand in the middle of the dirt, contemplating the bathroom you need to use and fighting off the bugs, just remember.....this is fun!